Letters, Moments of life, Words from heart

I loved her, but she’ll never know it


My grandmother and me PS: ignore the fact that I look scary. I was a cute baby but don't have any good pictures with my grandparents
My grandmother and me
PS: ignore the fact that I look scary. I was a cute baby but don’t have any good pictures with my grandparents

Ok this post may not make any sense at all, wouldn’t be in an order I would just type whatever is in my heart. It will be a long post and may not be good but I have been meaning to do this post since August started but couldn’t put myself together to do it so I have been delaying it as much as I can. Now  that August is over I HAVE to let it all out as September has its own worries for me. So lets begin shall we.

August has always been a though month for me for the last 6 years. Even though it has its own charms, special moments still doesn’t change the fact that this is the same month that took my shadow of prayers, my grandmother away from me. I know death is inevitable. Every soul has to face the death angel whether he or she wants to or not, whether he or she is ready to go or not, whether his or her loved ones are ready to let go of him or her. It doesn’t really matter at all! Death of someone you love is never easy to process or even accept right away. It takes time, patience, effort, every ounce of strength you have in your body. We fight pain every single day and somehow we survive. Our heart play games with us. It misses them and hurt at the same time. What a dangerous thing this heart is.

Losing someone you love is one thing but not being able to say your ‘last goodbye’ or tell them how much you loved them, how much you cared about them is a whole new level of pain. ~ Sahrish I.

A major drawback of living aboard is that you never get to know your grandparents or other relatives. You never get to spend much time with them. You never get to love them and you never get to tell them that you cared about them, wanted to know them and most of all you love them with all your heart.  I never got to say to my Grandmother that I loved her. She’ll never know it. I don’t know much about her because I never got a chance to spend much time with her and know her. But what I know is that she was a great person. She had a clean heart although she never showed love to me and my sister but I knew she loved me and she was being forced not to love us. You know if someone loves you by the little things they do. If you can’t see that it’s not their fault but yours. I always saw love in her eyes.

My grandmother was a person who was the first ever person anyone entering the house would see. She always welcomed everyone with a smile. She always use to sit right the middle so that she could have her eyes on both the front and back door so that she could welcome anyone entering the house.  Now that she is gone, there is a void that no one can fill. Everytime I go to that house I am slapped hard in the face with that void. Telling me she is gone. The moment I enter that house my eyes automatically go to that very place she always use to be no matter what time of the day or night it was. The entire time I am there I feel a lump in my throat, I feel like suffocating. I feel pain in my chest. I can’t control my emotions but I do because my dad is also there. I don’t want him to get weak. She was his mother and he loved her more than I love her.

19th August 2013, my dad once again decided to go to that house. He didn’t tell me where we were going until we got there. That house makes me vulnerable. That is a place I can never ever think of going on my own. That place fills me with anger, hatred, regret and sadness. Anger: because of what happened to her. Because what they did to her and how easily they let her go. Hatred: because i couldn’t do anything to stop all that. I let them do all that. Regret: for the first time ever she asked me something and I couldn’t fulfill her wish. I didn’t fulfill a wish of a dying person. Sadness: Because I miss her. 

Strangely at times I feel her presence and then I can’t. The people living there honestly never cared about her. They removed every single thing that had piece of her attached to it, a memory or the feel of her presence.  They even ripped all the plants and trees she planted with her own hands from roots just to get rid of her memories. No that was not about moving on. Not even an animal does that to their own mother. They never miss her. They never talk about her. They spent every single day with her and they never miss her. That is something unbelievable. What kind of a stone-heart person does that to his or her own mother? How can you forget someone the moment they die? I still can’t believe she is gone. Yes they say that you can’t believe someone is gone unless you let go of them but tell me how can you forget someone so fast?

I still remember the last time I saw her. It was the day I gave the last exam of intermediate and I went to meet her because I had a flight the very next day back to Saudi Arabia. I enter the house and there she was. Right where she always use to be welcoming me with the smile. But she looked weak as she recently returned from the hospital. They were constantly forcing her to stay in the hospital for absolutely no reason at all as she was healthy but all those tests and staying in hospitals made her really weak. I sat with her. She wasn’t able to talk much due to weakness. She kept holding my hand and then the time came when I had to leave and that very moment my heart told me it was the last time I am seeing her. My heart wasn’t wrong 2 days later she was again forced to get admitted in the hospital and she came back home when she departed from this cruel world that didn’t listen to her pleads. When I was leaving she said to me, ‘Kabhi phone kar lena mujhay, acha lagta hai’ (Call me sometime, it feel good to me). Those turned out to be her last words to me. I never got to call her as she was in the ICU, wasn’t allowed any calls.

One day my dad got a call from his brother(my uncle) to come and see her for the last time. I still remember how my dad entered the house hopelessly. His movement showed he was broken but he held on, kept himself together because he didn’t want us to see him weak like that. Off course I understood. His mother was taking her last breaths and all he wanted was to be there with her. He asked my mother if he should leave us and go? My mother said he definitely should go. My dad got a bit hopeful that he’ll see his mother for the last time. He’ll get to talk to her for one last time. But he didn’t. The moment his flight landed on Karachi airport, doctor gave the news of my grandmother passing away to those who were in the hospital at that time. They called my uncle who went to receive my dad from the airport. He received the call while riding the bike and didn’t tell my father who was sitting behind him but my father knew she was no more. They reached the hospital and what happened my dad never told us. It’s in his heart. All he told us was her face told that she found peace. Off course she did. She got rid of the torture, the pain, all those tears, all that misery.

When we got the news back in Saudi Arabia I didn’t cry. I haven’t shed a single tear till today. That time I had to take care of my mom and sister. When my dad returned I had to make sure I was strong enough to help him recover. I really miss her a lot. Tears appear in my eyes but they refuse to leave, dry right there in my eyes because they too know she hated tears.

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Jasmine sumac known as ‘Motia’ in Urdu is the flower my Grandmother loved the most. She even planted them in that house I can’t stay in. I still remember how she always use to smell of those flowers. Daily she use to pick 2 flowers and wear them in her ears. Everytime I see those flowers her face flashes infront of my eyes. I can see her wearing those flowers in her ears. And I go back and relive my last moments with her over and over again and it hurts so bad because her last wish wasn’t fulfilled. I am such a bad grand-daughter.

My mother loves those bangles made out of those flowers so at every special occasion be it a wedding, my mother’s birthday, my parents’ wedding anniversary, etc my dad never forgets to buy those bangles for my mother. I never told my parents it reminds me of her because if I did my dad would feel the same way I do every time he would see those flowers in any shape anywhere. He wouldn’t show what he feels but that’s a different story. I still remember my dad didn’t cry while he was telling us about her after he returned from Pakistan attending her funeral. His voice did tremble but he didn’t shed a single tear. I can’t say he never cried when he was alone because he lost his mother and I know how much he loved his mother.

‘Ammi Jaan’ is what we all called her.

Ammi jaan I know you were never allowed to love me and M. I know you wanted to love us, care about us. Something I wrote for you which you can’t read:

When you thought I wasn’t watching,

I saw a part of you die every single time they forced you to stay in hospital.

When you thought I wasn’t watching, 

I saw you asking for my help.

When you thought I wasn’t watching,

I saw your eyes plead for freedom.

When you thought I wasn’t listening,

I heard your silence scream “Take me home”.

When you thought I wasn’t watching,

I saw your soul begging “Let me live”.

When you thought I didn’t know,

My heart knew it was our last meeting.

When you thought I wasn’t watching,

I saw you whisper a silent prayer under your breath.

When you thought I wasn’t watching,

I saw love for me the way you looked at me.

When you thought I wasn’t watching,

I saw you beg for forgiveness.

When You thought I wasn’t watching,

I saw that tear rolling down your cheek, disappearing in those wrinkles.

When you thought I didn’t hear,

I heard you whisper your ‘last goodbye’.

When you thought I’d forget your last words to me,

I wanted to tell you “I will always remember them until the day I die”.

You always thought I’d believe you hated me,

But I always saw your love in everything you did for me!

By Sahrish Iftikhar.

My grandmother, my shadow of prayers left an eternal void that no one can ever fill. Her last words still echo in my ears.

Dear Ammi Jaan,

Where ever you are my heart believes you are happy and you are at peace. I just want you to know I always loved you but I never got a chance to say it to you. I never got a chance to see that glow, that ecstasy on your face that comes on Mama’s face when Abdullah, Ahmad and Fatimah say ‘I love you Mimi’. Ammi Jaan, where ever you are believe me you are still loved and missed by those who care about you. I never got to know you and I hate that but as much as I knew you I know you were an amazing person with a good heart. Even though I wanted to spend more time with you, I wanted you to live more I am happy that you are no longer in that torture they put you in. I am happy that they can no longer poke needles in you several times just to draw a drop of blood out of your body. I am happy they don’t get to control your life anymore. Where ever you are I pray you always stay happy.
Your grand-daughter who truly loved you with all her heart.

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13 thoughts on “I loved her, but she’ll never know it”

  1. This really made me tear up. Amazing blog Sahrish, may your grandmother’s soul RIP. I’m sure she knew all that you said here :)

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  2. Sahrish, this was an amazing post. I also lived away from my grandparents; I was in Canada and they were in Pakistan. Fortunately, my experience was different from your’s as I got to know my grandparents quite extensively as a child. They would visit Canada or I would spend my summers in Pakistan every few years. Sadly, except for my dad’s mom, they all died before I turned 19 years old. I often wonder what they would think of the man that I have become; would they be proud of me or would they have expected more? I shall always wonder and pray that if they are watching from the heavens above, that they like what they see.
    Thanks again for such a great piece. I am sure your grandmother is watching you lovingly from up above and believe me, she knows you love her!!

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    1. Thank you for stopping by my blog and reading and appreciating this post :) really means a lot.
      Both my grandfathers passed away when I was really young so i don’t remember much about them. The only grandparent I’m left with is my mother’s mom. And I too often wonder what they would think I have become.
      Thank you so much for all the beautiful words :)

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  3. Oh Sehrish…. *Sighs*
    This was such a heart touchingly sad post…… I never could have imagined you take all this pain in your heart with you.
    You never get to know your grand ma because you lived far away…But you know now a days people living next door don’t know about you. Its just the matter of luck ! Her last words to you just made me cry !
    Such , such beautiful memories you have shared…..So beautiful. I felt like I am feeling the same, except the situations were somehow different in my case.
    Loved the poetic words you shared at the last. More than love the emotional letter you wrote.
    I am sure she would be in heaven, reading all this and smiling :)
    Love and hugs xx

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    1. i skipped adding some memories. I thought I ‘d hold on to them :)
      I keep alot of pain in my heart. I usually don’t show that I’m hurting. On my blog I kind of vent it all out.
      I agree to you, now a days people really don’t know their next door neighbors. The trends have changed alot. But I didn’t get to know my grandmother because there were people who kept her away from me. But I’m sure my grandmother knows that I loved her.
      Thank you for liking this post, poetic words and the letter :) really means alot :)
      Love and hugs xx

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      1. You know it is sometimes good to take pain in your heart…It works like rain works for the plants ! It heals your wounds sometimes…you just have to make room for pain.
        She definitely knows you Love her…. No one could ignore a sweet heart like you ;)
        Love you.

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      2. You know one of the things I love about you is that you say exactly what I have in my heart regarding something. Our thoughts and feelings about things matches on so many levels. :)
        I think about pain exactly like that. Pain is a necessity. It makes one feel alive so it has to be there.
        Aww! Thank you sweet heart :) Its so kind of you <3
        Love you more!

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  4. I can so relate to this with my grand father and i really understood what you meant and feel. But i make my aunts know this that i hate them and i always try to haunt them with my words.

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