When you fall and every inch of your body and soul shatters you try to find solace in past. You try to find something you can anchor that will spark up a flicker of hope. Most of the time we anchor things we shouldn’t. We go down the memory lane and open doors that are holding memories, people, feelings, pieces of us we no longer want and other things we left behind when we moved on. Those doors are better left closed/locked up as once they are open, whatever they are holding behind is released to haunt us, break us, and make us die every passing second until the day we die.
Last night I was shattered. I wasn’t even able to lift myself up completely from the last fall, I stumbled, I failed again, and fell again. I lost another battle fighting against life. All I could do was hate myself. I missed a part of me infinitely. I knew where exactly I’d find it. I knew I had to go down the memory lane as that’s where it was locked behind one of those doors I locked long ago. I was so weak and I just couldn’t fight myself as I need it more than anything else.
In search of that part of me I went down the memory lane and unlocked all those doors I locked never to open again. Weak moment it was. I opened every single door I could find, yet didn’t find what I was looking for. Losing all my hopes I turned to walk back to where I came from. A door appeared out of nowhere. It was that very door I was looking for all along. I had to be tempted by it. Without thinking anything, without a delay I unlocked it. The creaking sound of the door opening made my heart beat faster. My excitement kept on increasing until the door opened and turned it into a disappointment. What I found was a wall I built before I closed that door. I built it just to keep me away from what lies behind it as I knew I’ll have weak moments and I’ll end up opening this door.
My heart whispered, ‘Break it! Break that wall and find what you need.’
My head said, ‘Stop! It’s a mistake! Turn around, close the door, lock it and go back to reality!’.
My heart whispered, ‘Don’t listen to it. You know you want to break this wall.’
I was so weak to even think of fighting. I lost this battle to my heart and broke the wall. Once the wall came down a bright light blinded me. I closed my eyes with my hands. I felt someone remove my hands from my eyes and whisper, ‘Its okay, you’re okay. I’m here’.
A familiar voice I have been longing to hear. It was you I was searching for. It was you I wanted.
My head screamed, ‘Don’t open your eyes! You can still fight! You can still turn around. Do it! Fight it! Fight it and turn around. Go back and save yourself. You’re strong enough to do that and you know it. Do it! Please do it. Don’t let your heart destroy you all over again! Do it before it’s too late’.
I didn’t listen.
A tear rolled down my cheek. You wiped it away slowly with your thumb and whispered my name. And the damage was done, a huge one. The sweetness of your voice the warmth of your touch melted my heart. I lost another battle, opened my eyes and there you were(the old you I always wanted back), standing in front of me smiling that smile I missed so much.
You held your hand out and whispered, ‘Come with me, I’ll protect you from everything’ .
The same promise you made long ago and broke when everything changed, when you changed.
Without thinking anything I placed my hand in your hand and that’s exactly where my strength and all the walls I put up around me started crumbling down with every step I took with you.
You took me to a beautiful place that felt like heaven and I knew it will soon turn into a hell. I looked at you, you looked at me. We both looked into each others’ eyes. I fell in love with you all over again. Holding hands we walked for a while. We both were quiet. It was peace all around. I lost track of time but I knew, I knew this illusion of few moments of happiness will end soon and I’ll be left shattered with my heart broken into millions of pieces, my soul ripped apart and my world filled with darkness again.
You stopped. I turned to you. You smiled that smile of yours, my heart skipped a beat. You asked, ‘Why are you so quiet? Say something. Anything.’
I whispered, ‘I’m scared.’
You asked, ‘why? What is it that you fear?’
I whispered, ‘I fear losing you.’
You laughed and said, ‘You don’t need to be scared. You won’t lose me. I’m here, always and forever‘.
Tears appeared in my eyes. You asked, ‘Now what happened?’
I said, ‘It’ll all change.’ *Nostalgia*
You got annoyed and said, ‘Whats wrong with you? You’re acting so strange. What will change?’
I whispered, ‘This! What we have. A relation that has no name but once I say what is in my heart, everything will change and I’ll lose you forever.’
You got mad and asked, ‘Have you lost it? Since when did you started hiding things from me? Since when did you started having trouble in saying anything to me? I’m not going anywhere. Say it. Whatever it is just say it.’
I said, ‘I can’t’
You got furious, ‘Say it dammit!‘
I whispered, ‘I love you.’
Your expressions changed. You lost control over yourself. You started screaming, ‘Are you out of your mind? This can’t happen. I trusted you and this is what you’re doing to me? Have you seen yourself? I can never love you or even like you that way. I or any other guy can’t. You’re not worth trusting, you’re not worth liking or even loving. I hate you and I don’t want to see you ever again.‘
You turned your back on me and left me crying. Watching you leave I whispered to myself, ‘This is exactly what I feared. And I never asked you to love me back. You said ‘always and forever‘, what you meant when you said was so different to what it means now. I wish you all the happiness in life. ‘Goodbye‘ is what I may never be able to say to you, all over again.’
You left me all alone and all I could do was ask myself, ‘Am I really a terrible person who doesn’t deserve to be loved or even liked?’
All that I’m left with is a broken heart, empty hands, unspoken words, eternal pain, eternal emptiness in life and all those memories that break a part of me every time they flash in front of me.
I miss you.
I miss us.
I cared too much. I loved too much. Felt it was real. Believed it’ll last. I was naive and stupid enough to dream. That’s exactly what broke and destroyed me.
Somethings are better when they are left unsaid because later on its not the person that triggers the pain, it’s the words he or she said. People say words shouldn’t matter but they do matter and they matter a lot, makes a person weak and think what he or she shouldn’t be thinking. Believe things about him or her self that he or she shouldn’t believe. That’s when all the negative thought about one’s own self seem so true and I can’t even begin to explain how hard it is to escape from it. I may be wrong but that’s what I have been going through. I’ll say it again, ‘It’s not always the person whose memory hurts. Sometimes it’s those words that hit you hard.‘
Doors that we lock at some point of our life are meant to stay locked forever. We should never unlock them. I made a mistake. I unlocked the door I pledged never to open no matter how weak I was. Now I know what ‘broken beyond repair‘ means.