Letter to a beloved one

Dear beloved,

We got close to each other just a couple of weeks before you were to leave. I was starting to open up to you. I told you I fear losing the ones who get close to me. Usually I can sense when someone is slipping away, you were slipping away is something I didn’t even notice. It was so sudden. I don’t know what I’m suppose to do and all I want to do is talk to you. You use to say to me, ‘whenever you feel like you wanted to talk to me but didn’t know how, write me a letter. Just pour your heart out. Give it to me in person or just send it by mail. I’ll read and respond back A.S.A.P.’ It’s so strange that I am writing to you for the first time ever and you’re not even here to read it let alone respond to it.

My clock tells me it 3:13 am. Its been 15 hours you’ve left us.  I can’t find the words to describe what I’m feeling. Everyone has cried their eyes out but I can’t even cry because I don’t want to hurt you. You know I’m not strong enough but I’m holding myself together just for you. I’m starting to lose my grip on myself. Here falls the first tear. I’m really sorry. I couldn’t just hold it any longer.

Its 5:29am and I’m still staring at the words I’ve written so far. Tears are still streaming down. I feel like my brain has stopped working. I really don’t know how to deal with all this. I don’t even know if I’d hit that publish button or save this too as a draft. You always said ‘Never fear to share what you write because that’s what’s lies in your heart and you my dear have a beautiful heart. Although its broken, it has cracks and a few bits missing, but it’s still there, beating and it’s still the same. It feels and aches for others in pain, it wants to heals other wounded and broken hearts. It just needs a spark to start functioning like it use to. The spark is you, yourself. You love healing hearts with your words and with what you do so don’t fear just do what you love and share.‘ Tell me how do I spark and make my heart function when a big chunk has been ripped off it? Tell me how do I do anything at all when I don’t even feel like I’m left with a heart? How do I not fear sharing what I write when you’re not there to read it and say, ‘It’s good and true as its right from your heart where that beauty lies that no one sees.’ I don’t write for anyone but I can’t deny that it felt good when someone read what I wrote and appreciated me for it.

Its 6:58 am. Day 1 with you gone and a new void that no one can fill. I hope and pray where ever you are be happy and blessed. All I can do is look up and pray for you to be forgiven and be blessed. Where ever you are, I pray you stay happy, always and forever. ‘Always and forever‘ such a cliché right? But where you are, it’s not.

Your face with that lovely smile of smile of yours is all I can see. Your voice is all that echoes in my ears. Your presence is what sometimes I can feel and then its all absence. I miss you more than word will ever be able to say. I know you hated tears in my eyes but while sitting here since I started typing this all up, all I can do is let those tears appear in my eyes, fall until the painful ones that sting my eyes appear. I mercilessly wipe them away from my eyes not caring  about the fact that in this process I may blind myself.  ‘You have beautiful eyes and they don’t deserve to be filled with tears.’ That’s what you use to say to me. That one line that always brought a smile on my face now brings down a fresh stream of painful tears.

Your last words to me were, ‘I don’t care how much I’d have to spend in that book fair on all those books you left just because they were a bit expensive for you to buy, I’ll buy them all for as your graduation present. It’s a huge thing so me buying all those books for you seems legit to me and no you don’t get to say a word in this. Yay elder power!’ 

I’ll never be able to pull myself together to buy them ever. Even if I buy them or download their e-books, I’d never be able to read them because each word would remind me of how desperate you were to buy that book for me. My graduation was something I was really excited about. It meant so much to me but it meant far more to you than it ever meant to me. You had so many plans to celebrate it even when I didn’t do exceptionally well throughout my degree program. You use to say, ‘So what if you didn’t score a 4.0 GPA or CGPA? You walked on a path for 4 years that led you to something that wasn’t even your dream.  Yet you didn’t give up. You worked hard, gave your best shot, that counts and that matters hence calls for a celebration’. On my graduation, my eyes would be searching for you, my ears would be longing to hear your words of appreciation, and I would be yearning for that tight hug of yours.

They say your heart stopped just like that. How can a heart so noble and pure stop just like that? They say it never started working again. How did it give up so easily? How did you let it give up when you never gave up on me?

I know you are in a much better place than being in this cruel world or in my heart or my life. Tell me how do I keep myself together? Where do I go to find solace or fill that void? I never shared the bigger problems with you but somehow you always knew something big was behind my silence. You never asked or tried to force it out of me because you knew I don’t share everything with everyone. Tell me who will listen to my problem(little ones) again and again without getting annoyed or irritated that it’s the same crap with a few new bits and pieces? You said to me, ‘December would be better. It’ll be the end of all the bad things‘ Is this what better is like? Is this how the end of bad things is like? How can it be good with the end of something so good?

I know I shouldn’t be writing this all to you. I should be writing all the good things and good prayers and wishes for you but I don’t even know what I’m doing. Everyone has someone to hold on to, a shoulder to cry on. Whom do I go to? Whom do I hold on to? You are not here anymore.

It’s 8:37am I better end this letter and get ready for what I have to deal with today. Why can’t I just be numb? Whom do I ask anything now? I miss you dearly, infinitely, madly. Now I can’t even ask you to come to me or let me come to you.

I can’t take it anymore. Please make it stop!

You shouldn’t have gotten so close to me. I bring no good to people I told you and you never believed me. You always got mad at me and made me say sorry and believe I was good. Is this how good I am? My questions will never end and I’ll never get any answers.

‘Somethings are better left unsaid.

Some questions are better left unanswered.’

I don’t even know what to feel about the above lines I tell everyone

Whom will I look up to whenever I’d get stuck? I need you. Who the heck am I kidding? You are better off without me. Where ever you are just stay happy. Don’t miss me or think about me. Just enjoy your new life, your beginning.

Your little sister who no longer has a grip on sanity or anything without her elder sister.

Bee/S