Its Day 2 with you gone. The pain is still there. I can still see your face. Your voice still echos in my ears. Your absence is driving me crazy. I miss you way too much. Where ever you are may you find peace.
In the previous letter to you I went way over board with stuff. Just couldn’t control my emotions. In this letter I will (Read: try) control my emotions and myself. You know what happened last night? I don’t remember when I dosed off to sleep while I was crying and missing you. In the morning when I woke up as usual the first thing I did was I reached out for my phone, in hope of seeing that ‘every-day-special-good-morning-wish’ of yours which was always full of good wishes and prayers, motivational/encouraging words which always gave me hope that things will get better soon. And off course it left me smiling for hours. I loved how every good morning wish of yours was beautifully crafted and how it was always different from all the previous ones. I don’t know how you use to do that but it was always unique and special in its own way. I always fell in love with every single wish instantly. Today it wasn’t there. All that was there, was my phone’s wallpaper staring back at me showing me the painful reality of ‘no new messages’.
You remember that big framed photo of a tea set? Today I spend hours sitting idle staring it. I didn’t know what was happening around me. I literally felt nothing! You remember how I use to peel the skin off my lip when I was deeply lost in thoughts? Today I peeled the skin off way too much and I didn’t even feel it hurting. I didn’t feel the pain or taste the blood that went in my mouth. I’m not lying. I didn’t feel the saltiness, rustic taste of blood as if my taste buds were dead. When I came back to reality I saw that my nails were stained with blood and I saw what I have done. It still doesn’t hurt as if that part of my body is numb.
I thought I found a way to deal with the pain. I got so numb that I barely felt anything at all. Like I got immune to pain but I was so wrong. Later on the pain returned refreshing memories that could only do damage. I need distraction but you know nothing has been working for a very long time now. Everything I used to escape isn’t working. I don’t even know what I’m suppose to do.
Oh by the way I have a good news for you. I finally nailed that dreadful viva. Yes I did. And I did it for you. I’m finally graduating. I know you must be so proud of me. You must smiling with tears filled eyes. You must be wiping away the tears with one hand whilst the other one rests on your heart. I can literally see you doing that right now. Only I wish I could reach out, touch you, hug you. Sometimes I wish I didn’t have such a vivid imagination. But I guess its good in its own way.
You were a gem of a person. I’m sure everyone over there must have fallen in love with you instantly. I wish and pray you stay happy and blessed. May you be forgiven of whatever sins you may have committed intentionally or unintentionally. Ameen.
Take good care of yourself.