I hope you’re doing well and you’re happy. Today is the 4th day of you gone. I’m sorry I didn’t write on the 3rd day I just couldn’t get myself out of that me-being-lost-in-deep-thoughts condition. I just couldn’t. Its getting worse. I’m losing myself again. I’m becoming cranky, annoying and irritating *I’m always annoying and irritating but you know how weirdly annoying I get in this condition*, rude, blunt. That’s just not me. I don’t want to be that but then I can’t help it and you know it. I’m not being able to help anyone or be there for them for the past 3 days. And when I don’t feel numb or lost I feel terrible that I’m not being able to be myself. A thought crossed my mind that it must be hurting you to see me like this. So I have decided I’m going to take time off and try to fix everything, fix myself as the last thing I would want is you getting hurt by me. I can’t even begin explaining what you meant to me. You were not just my cousin sister but an older sister that I never had. I do have Api with me all the time but she can never be like you. She is really close to mama but to me, not so much or lets say not in that way. I miss you but I have to let you go someday, one day for the best. Obviously I’ll always love you, miss you, remember you in my prayers but I’d have to let you go.
My biggest concern at the moment is Sunday. Its going to be the toughest day of my life as every passing second will remind me of what is coming and what happened. The hardest time would be 10:30 to 11 am when I last talked to you and then 12:08 pm when we got that awfully appalling phone call informing us of your death. 1 hour, just 1 hour was all it took to change everything. Just an hour took away a person that meant so much to me. Maybe I’ll take a couple of sleeping pills and sleep for the entire day. But then how many Sundays will I do that? I really don’t know what to do. Whom do I go to and talk to? Whom do I speak my heart out? Everyone must be sick and tired of listening to me and the same thing over and over again. No one has got the time to listen to all that. Every single time I fell, I got up and fought back but this time I’m completely lost and have no strength at all left me to even think of getting up and fighting back.
Anyways, I’m gonna take time off and try to figure something out. I’m not even sure what I’m going to do or what I’m supposed to do. I need to talk to someone but then you know how I just can’t talk to anyone. Pray for me?
I miss you. I love you. You’ll always have a very special place in my heart. May you be blessed immensely. May all your sins be forgiven. May you get a double amount of blessings for all the good deeds you did. May you rest in peace my love.
Always keep that lovely smile on your face. Take good care of yourself.
Your little sister,
PS: All the new letters to you will be written in my heart for that’s where they’ll remain.