Moments of life, My corner, Thoughts of an Idle Mind, Words from heart

Struggling with grief

dark portrait

For me losing someone, dealing along with accepting it is the toughest thing ever. I struggle the most with it as I don’t let anyone get too close to me nor do I open up to just anyone who may seem like is close to me. Recently I lost someone very dear to me, someone I got really close. I felt like I lost a part of me. There was already so much going on, one hit after another but this was that one hit I just didn’t need at all. It affected me majorly. It forced me to do things I never even in my wildest dreams could have thought of doing. It made me question my own sanity and most of all question myself in a way no one should ever question themselves. I know I have to deal with it and get over it. I have accepted that person is gone and is in a much better place but I have reasons and questions that complicates things a bit. I am well aware of the ‘Five Stages of Grief’ and I know for a fact that I am definitely past the first two stages. May be even past the third one but I am still somewhere in between those last two stages, which one exactly that I still can’t figure out.

Anyways, one of the things that’s bugging me is that its only been a couple of days and people have already forgotten and moved on. Yes people move on, they HAVE to. No one can live in past. Sooner or later they find peace. That’s something bound to happen. That’s how they are able to move forward and live their lives. Its normal but what bothers me is the fact they move on so quickly and forget the person who passed away as if he or she never existed in the first place. I find it unbelievable as, you knew that person for his or her entire course of life which means you knew that person for years, how can you forget years of a life time in merely few days? I cannot call it moving on or letting go. Yes death is inevitable. According to Surah Al- Imran, Verse 185 Every Soul Shall Taste Death“. I’m not doubting or even questioning it. My question is just very simple, How can you forget a person who opened his or her eye in front you, took their first step in front of you, spoke their first word in front of you, in short lived every moment of their lives with you, in just few days? Yes Allah gives us patience and we accept the loss, we accept they are in better place but then again patience comes with time. A lot of people show it, a lot just don’t. My point is, death of someone you love is never easy to process or even accept right away. It takes time, patience, effort, every ounce of strength you have in your body. We fight pain every single day and somehow we survive. How can one be so okay with it right away?

I spent my entire life aboard so technically I didn’t know my extended family that closely nor I had that attachment or connection or a bond with them that usually people have with their extended families and then me being an introvert, I stay aloof and the fact I was raised in a different country made thing even more complicated. But since it has been 4 and half years I moved back to Pakistan, I was starting to overcome all that by trying my best to untangle those strings, open those knots that made things complicated. I was trying to bond with them, make a connection to be close to them, make up for the time I wasn’t around as I still don’t like the fact that I lost 3 of my grandparents, a few other elders without knowing them at all. I knew nothing about most of them *well nothing as in what I could have learned about them on my own, not what my parents or someone else told me about them* And Lets face it, one way or the other family matters. No matter how different or annoying or weird they are, you can not run away from them. At some point of your life you need them and strangely at times they are standing right beside you. Even if they aren’t helping you in any way, sometimes their presence alone is what you need. Maybe I am wrong but its a personal experience. *Let me get back on track* So as I was saying I wasn’t close to anyone but a few people in the family.  I got really close to this particular person. It was like she understood what no one ever did. Even though I never shared any major issue with her, she somehow knew there is a huge reason behind my silence or when I acted strangely. It was like having an elder sister *that I never had*

The day she passed away was a Sunday. Since then every Sunday I feel terrible because I was the last person she talked to. In one of my old blog posts I mentioned:

Losing someone you love is one thing but not being able to say your ‘last goodbye’ or tell them how much you loved them, how much you cared about them is a whole new level of pain. ~ Sahrish I.

after that one Sunday, that equation or definition or whatever you want to call it, changed with the addition of few bits and turned into:

Losing someone you love is one thing but not knowing that your ‘good bye’ to that person will turn out to be your ‘last goodbye’ and not being able to tell them how much you loved them, how much you cared about them and most importantly how much they mean to YOU is a whole new level of pain. ~ Sahrish I.

I admit, I wasn’t ready for it. I wasn’t ready for that ‘last goodbye’. I know no one ever is but every single person that has died on me, I was mentally prepared for their deaths. I knew they will bid their farewell to this world soon. I knew it was the last time I was meeting or talking to them *mentioned it in my post about my grandmother too*. As strange/weird or unbelievable as it may sound but I felt it every single time except for this one time. I have accepted it but I am still struggling with it. It’s not easy. No one can understand what I am going through nor can I explain it. I talked to her from 10:30 to 11 am and she completely fine and she was happy. Anyone around her wouldn’t have thought that the moment she’d hang up, she’ll have a massive heart attack that will take away her life. She was one of the most healthy person I knew. She barely got sick or had any kind of health issues through out her life. So was hard to believe. Yes, I do admit it was her time to go and that heart attack was just a reason but still.. Fast forward to 12:08 pm, that was the time we got that call which for the first time ever in my entire life made me feel like someone literally drained me of all kinds of emotions and feelings, left me completely numb standing like a statue staring into God knows what with the phone tightly clutched in my hand. My mother literally had to shake me as hard as she could to bring me back to my senses and make me let go of the phone. Yes, I was the one who attended that call. If even then someone questions my condition then I don’t even know what to say or how to react. 1 hour, just 1 hour was all it took to change everything. Just an hour took away a person that meant so much to me.

This Sunday I noticed everyone getting back on with their lives. They had to but that’s not what bothers me. That day all that my idle mind could think of and all that my broken heart felt was, 3 Sundays back everyone was crying their eyes out. 3 Sundays after it looked like no one even remembers what/who we lost. Funny how people forget those who die in a matter of few days as they never existed in the first place. Yes people die all the time. Absence is only felt by only those to whom they meant something. Accepting that absence and then living with it is not easy at all. Patience comes at due time. 21 days of you gone. Not even a single day has passed when I didn’t look up and whisper, ” I miss you”.

Okay fine I admit, I am way too sensitive, way too emotional. May be I am exaggerating or over-reacting but still my questions are valid. My concern is legit. Another thought that came in this idle mind of mine was, how people fake tears on funerals. What bothers me even more is,  how they have that coldness inside them and they have no fear at all. How can someone fake tears on someone losing their life? Wouldn’t it be mocking the deceased? Doesn’t the thought of dying make them feel anything at all?

She was a sweet heart. A person with a pure heart of gold. Someone who had only good in her. She cared for anyone and everyone. She loved unconditionally. She was an ideal person to instantly fall in love with. How can someone forget her completely that too in just 20+ days?


PS: I needed to let this out so I blogged. I won’t reply to any comment on this post and I apologize for that. However feel free to leave your comments.

What are your thoughts about this post? Feel free to share them

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s