Being an introvert by nature and lacking the ability to engage in any gathering, lacking the ability to connect or communicate with much people makes me too or perhaps extra observant by nature about whatever is happening anywhere around me. Even if its bad, I can’t help it. I notice even those minor things other observants might miss. And then I have a photographic memory which complicates things for me a lot too. I have always said that being too observant by nature is both a blessing and a curse at the same time. At least that’s what I have observed and experienced. Never in my entire life I have disliked or hated me being extra observant by nature I have always seen and accepted it as a blessing as it made me that ‘good/sweet/caring person, always-there-for-you-no-matter-what‘ everyone see me as but lately it has become more of a curse for me. It has become one of the reasons I feel so awfully lost, not connected to my loved ones or the ones I care about, not loved, not a part of anyone’s life. They say, “Ignorance is a bliss“. Take it from me, it’s not. When you get ignored by someone for whom you were that one person whom they can without any hesitation pour their heart out, someone they’ve always appreciated having by their side. Trusted to a point where they shared everything even their dark secrets with you without having a second thought about it, and then they stop all of a sudden, it kills you inside out. Especially when you’ve never felt your presence in someone’s life meaningful and they make you feel that for a period of time and then they stop. That’s when you feel you are the worst, the most unreliable person on the face of this earth.
Why am I saying all this? Well it’s because yesterday, 17th of March 2014 marked a whole month of me interning at TCF ( The Citizens Foundation). The journey so far has been really pleasant, well for the first three weeks. 4th week unfolded a series of feelings, emotions, incidents and a lot of things that are really disturbing and my being too observant by nature makes it even worse. This post will have a lot of disturbing realizations I’ve had over this past month that has made me really not-myself. Worst of all, someone actually noticed me not being myself which is really shocking as I am an expert at hiding my true feelings or state of mind, on the outside I’ll be all calm-happy-cracking-jokes while inside me there is a storm or war of emotions and feelings.
First 3 weeks have been really great. I completed all my tasks way before my deadline. My work and ideas I pitched were appreciated and used for improvements. I felt like I was doing really good. And then the biggest thing for me was my creative and artistic skills were highly appreciated. I was labelled/appreciated as, “organized” , “works fast”, “Creative”, “Artistic”. I was really happy. Yes there were moments where I felt extremely lonely but I ignored it by engrossing myself in work so much that at times I lost track of time. It resulted really bad. How? I drifted far away from my family, my nephews and niece, my friends and all the people I love and care about. I have barely talked to any friend since I started this internship be it a very close one or just a friend. Have only seen my nephews and niece once in this entire month. I am missing out on all those little moments of their lives I have always cherished or I wanted to witness. I mean I was always there be it when they spoke their very first word, took their very first step, or did anything for the first or the millionth time. I practically raised the younger one from the day he came home from the hospital. I love him more than anyone else in the world and I don’t get to spend time with him. Every day he, they ask about me and my mom is like, ” she is at work“. By the time I get home, they are fast a sleep and in the morning they already leave before me. I haven’t gotten a new nickname. I am their most favorite, beloved and most adored aani/khala/aunt and this is how I am living up to my favoritism and adorableness by not being their for them and missing out all those moments either I want to witness or they want me to be a part of. Anyone who knows me on Twitter knows me for tweeting all the moments I spend with my nephews and niece and for the past month, I have tweeted about it twice or thrice maybe and only once I was actually with them. In fact I barely tweet anymore. That is how my life has become.
I miss talking to people I talked to. I am not connected to my friends as I used to be. I know I am responsible for that as I should have made efforts to stay connected to them. I miss them so much, especially the closest ones I could open up to. I want to share what’s in my heart, what I am going through but then a part of me keeps on screaming, ‘give them a break. It’s all the same. They know it already. Just shut up. They already have their own stuff to deal with don’t burden them with more.‘ And then we are no longer close. I am clueless about what’s going on in their lives. Their silence is killing me inside out and I can’t deny that. This reminds me of a quote that fits perfectly in this situation
In the end, we will remember not the words of our enemies, but the silence of our friends. – Martin Luther King Jr
4th week started with me making my very first blunder, and getting into trouble not to mention after performing really well for straight 3 whole weeks. Right after that something even more disturbing happened. I usually don’t call home from work but my heart was not at rest. It kept on telling me something is not right, call home. I called home just to check on my parents as they weren’t well. My mom picked up and after hearing my voice she burst into tears. I can’t begin explaining what I felt. I was hurting but that very moment I realized my mom would be hurting far more than I am hurting as she has so much to deal with and I am not even there for her. I am not even helping her. I am such a disappointment to her. She has so many dreams attached to me, she prays for me after every namaz and all I am doing is letting her down. I felt so helpless. When does one feel completely helpless and restless? When your mom cries on the phone and you can’t even hug her. I was always there for her, even if I wasn’t helping her in any way I was there just to listen, just to let her vent it all out. My day got so bad. I wasn’t able to work properly for an entire hour. Later on I got back to work as I just couldn’t let anyone see me like that. What I realized was I have ‘other things‘ (work) to distract me, my mom on the other hand has ‘other worries‘ as distraction. I don’t even know what to do.
The very next day my co-intern spilled her heart out. I could relate to so many things she shared. She got all sad and I cheered her up. The very next day, for the first time ever in 23 days she saw me in a not-so-good-mood. The strange thing is that just a day back she was really down and I cheered her up and the very next day I was all lost and not myself. I don’t interact with much people at work but she is that one person(other than my manager who is on vacations these days) I actually do talk to all day long about anything and everything. I can call her my ‘friend’ at work. She said to me , “Today you’re not yourself. You seem lost. You didn’t reply the way you usually do“. I felt so bad that I didn’t reply her in a good way.
That day(23rd day) I was so lost the whole day. I was missing all those people I am really close to because I just wanted to talk to them for hours like we used to. I felt like crying. There were moments where I was almost about to cry and I had to tell myself, ” Hold on S, you can’t cry. Just breath and hold on. It’ll be over soon“. Also there were moments where tears did appear in my eyes and I either had to look down or pretend something went in my eyes or I just started rubbing my eyes just like that. Honestly, now I really don’t know what I am doing. I am not their for my loved ones or the ones I hold dear to me. I am *
or should I say what I use to be* that person who can go to any limit to make someone feel better or just smile. I’ll even do as much as in my power to make someone’s big or small day special. Now I am unable to do it. All I do is work, work and work. Sounds strange as I’m just an intern but I do work all day long. I don’t hate or dislike my work. I enjoy doing it. The best part I get to help with TCF Rahbar Program which I have always wanted to since I did the first cycle. I am learning but I don’t know what I am turning into and I am unable to control it.
“If you feel low and restless, your body aches, you have sleepless nights, sadness overtakes you, it means somewhere somehow you are making a wrong choice. Your whole being is telling you are making a mistake. You try to negotiate, you fight yourself, and so your energy drains away.” ~Jolita Kelias
That same day one of the interns asked me, “You graduated? Are you working here or interning?” l told him, “I’m just an intern“, he was so surprised because its been 3 months and I’m still jobless. It made me feel even worse.
On the way back home my eyes didn’t stay dry. We pass by this graveyard every single day. Graveyards always make me think of all those people who are resting there, waiting for their loved ones to come and pay a visit to them but most of them have either forgotten them the moment they passed away or after a while some found patience to move on and forgot them or some are just too busy to even think about them. Then if we actually think about who actually remembers the ones who died, then after a certain period of time its only their immediate families who remember them. Later on they too find the courage to let them go and they are forgotten forever. While passing by that graveyard that’s all I could think how people are forgotten either by their loved one or those who once held them close to their hearts. Life, time or people don’t stop for anyone. They keep on moving. That’s how it’s supposed to be and that is how it is in reality. But how can you forget/abandon someone alive? That too after making them feel they are one of those rare kind-hearted people you find these days. It all made me think, that’s how my existence is. Everyone’s life is going on fine without me, it’ll probably be like that in future too. My absence makes no difference at all as if I was never there in the first place. That makes me question myself, “Who I am? If my absence make no difference in anyone’s life then who I really am to anyone? “
“And when at last you find someone to whom you feel you can pour out your soul, you stop in shock at the words you utter— they are so rusty, so ugly, so meaningless and feeble from being kept in the small cramped dark inside you so long.” ― Sylvia Plath, The Unabridged Journals of Sylvia Plath
I had that person but I don’t even know when and how that person slipped away from me.
“When you have someone you can just sit with holding hands and let out all those tears in silence. That I never had, never will.” ~Sahrish I.
You can not open up to everyone let alone share everything with everyone. Even if you share a few bits and pieces with them you cannot share those dark deep-rooted fragments of your heart, mind and soul with everyone. Even if they ask you what keeps you sleepless and restless all night, you just can’t tell them. At least that’s the case with me.
“people leave for a reason. They leave to make space for someone even better to come. If a person left then someone way better is waiting for the time right time to enter your life. ” That’s what I said to a very good friend a couple of months back to lift him up, to give him hope. Sounds strange, right that I explained my friend the realities of life and I’m not able to understand, let alone accept them myself. Well, I do understand them but losing someone very dear and accepting that absence is never easy at that moment. Later on it gets easy. But for me its the most difficult thing ever to accept that absence because there are only few people I can actually share anything and everything that I can’t with anyone else close to me. I can literally count them on my five fingers. I fear sharing anything too personal with anyone as in past every single time I tried to open up, the moment I started sharing things started to change too. You can not share everything with everyone but what if you trust only a few people and you feel comfortable speaking your heart out to them. I felt that for only a few people I can literally count on my fingers but my bad luck the moment they found out they slipped away or perhaps I should I lost them due to the not-so-good part of me.
On Thursday, the 13th, our car pool got mugged at gun point. Being at the other end of the gun all I could think was, my life could end right here, right now, a lot of people might not be able to know about me dying. They might never find out and they’ll be fine with it. I guess I really am a “no one special” for all those I hold very dear or to those I care about a lot. My name would be forgotten within days.
Friday, 14th was a crazy busy day. Felt the same. At lunch I sat surrounded by people yet I didn’t have anything to talk. You know how it is when you are new in a gathering and people know each other(except you) so well that they keep on talking about stuff you have no clue and you sitting there feel like a complete idiot. You can’t even say you can relate to something (a line or a situation) they just said/mentioned even if you can in real just because you have no clue what the real story is. It’s like you feel like you don’t belong here.
I have a major issue in communicating, connecting with people. At times I sit all alone and when I am with people I can’t communicate. They have so much to talk to and I have nothing. The only time I actually talked was on Thursday 6th of this month. What I talked about was blogging, books, arts, some observations. I was actually talking to 2 people without any hesitation or stammering.
My work, ideas and artistic skills have been loved and appreciated highly over the past 3 weeks. My kindness and sweetness was adored. Since my 4th week started, I have been questioning ‘who the hell I am and what the hell am I doing?’
Never in my life I have questioned myself, ‘What the F*** were you thinking?‘ even then when I wasn’t sure about what I am supposed to do, or when I was struggling with my life, or when I screwed up massively. I didn’t even ask that question to myself when I fell down for the millionth time, falling even harder than the previous time and now that’s all I am doing, repeatedly asking myself that question.
I truly believe that life isn’t about roses, rainbows and unicorns. There is a hell lot more to it. It’s all about how much pain you can suffer. What do you do when you don’t even feel even a slight tinge of pain when you are supposed to roll on the floor because its supposed to be that unbearable? What do you do when you don’t feel anything or everything all at the same time?
I have a lot to say but I’ll stop here as no body cares about what I have to say. If you read this then I don’t even know how to thank you.