A week back I posted a long blog all about all those awful feelings and disturbing realizations I’ve had over the past month. The past week I have spent questioning myself over and over again just to find some answers in hope of finding some peace but didn’t find any. I only got more restless, felt a lot more awful and lost than I was feeling before. Had sleepless nights not to mention the panic and sinus attacks that made things worse. My feelings got more intense. Those horrible feelings kept on haunting me bringing more disturbing realizations/feelings. Made me feel “Unwanted“, “Not love”, ” Not special”, “Not missed”. Like I mentioned in my previous post “my absence makes no difference in anyone’s life as if I was never there in the first place, which makes me question myself, “Who I am? If my absence make no difference in anyone’s life then who I really am to anyone?” Worst of all it is changing my attitude/behavior towards those I love and care a lot about. For the past month I have barely talked to anyone except a few people at work only when its required. Last night I talked to a very good friend of mine (maybe I am no longer a friend to that friend anymore) in a way that must have hurt my friend’s feelings a lot. I have been lost, not myself in past too but never have I talked to this friend like I talked last night. No matter how bad things were, no matter how lost I was, that friend was always that one person I kept in touch with every single time I completely cut myself from the world for a period of time. That friend has always been that one person who stayed with me, helped me get out of whatever I was feeling or going through, heard every single cry/whine/worry of mine be it for the first or millionth time. Never gave up on me even when I was freakishly annoying, cranky, moody, not at all the sweet heart-caring-and-loving-girl I usually am. I may not be a very special friend for ___, but for me ___ is beyond special in so many ways that I just can not put it all into word. You know how when you meet someone and you know this is that very person you can trust blindly, you can open up to, without any hesitation pour your heart out, that is how this friend of mine has always been for me. This friend of mine knows me more than anyone else(parents included) in this entire world, well in terms of what I was going through and when. What I was feeling and stuff. A genuine, true friend who could read between lines just to catch when I am lying to the world or myself that “I’m fine. Nothing is wrong”. A friend who always made sure I get through my bad phase without being alone, most importantly without losing myself and coming out a lot stronger than before topped with have a more firm believe in myself that I can get through anything that comes my way. My friend is so humble and down-to-earth that ___ would never admit that ____ ever did any of this for me, ever. All in all that one friend I fear losing THE MOST!! And I ended up doing something, making my biggest fear turn to reality all by myself by treating that friend of mine I never ever wanted to treat like. That is SO NOT ME! If that friend of mine pulls away from me it’ll be all my fault as I forced that pull away.
I am such a terrible person. I feel so fake right now. All I can think is how everyone, especially this friend of mine adored and appreciated my sweetness, my care, my kindness. etc and I proved myself to be completely opposite of it. I still remember I once said, “I’m a bad person because I ended up hurting people unintentionally and unknowingly”. And my friend’s reply was, “You’re not a bad person. You would have been one if you hurt people intentionally and knowingly”. What difference did I leave? How can I ever pull myself to talk to my friend?
Sometimes the word “Sorry” isn’t enough or isn’t something that is going to make an impact to change the wrong doings. Nor does it take back the pain you put someone through. You have to prove it by your actions that you are “Sorry” for real. By the time we realize this its too late. Reality check, time doesn’t stop for anyone nor does it come back for anything.
What do you do when you do damage beyond repair? How can you live with it? How can you not hate yourself for that? Did I really lose that one friend I hold so very dear?
Incase you missed my previous blog post that is sort of ‘Part 1’ of this or perhaps helps make some sense to this post or something things mentioned, the link to the previous blog post is below:
Being too observant by nature is more of a curse than a blessing
S.
One Grumpy Panda 