Finding Solace, Moments of life, My corner, Rants & Ramblings

Today I broke… Today I gave up.. Today I lost.. Today I am all alone completely shattered from inside out


Ever wandered aimlessly for hours on I.I. Chundrigar road and other random roads of Saddar losing track of time and where you ended up? Have you ever done that without having anything bother you? Not even caring about being mugged, completely forgetting the fact of having an expensive smartphone  and a wallet full of cash along with your credit card in it, in your bag that is loosely dangling on your shoulder while you drag what seem like a lifeless body, with hair flying away here, there and everywhere. Feeling so empty, having that immense feeling of being stuck, utterly lost, ridiculously screwed up and having no one to talk to. A colossal mess.

Ever wandered without even caring about being hit by a car or a bus or even by a pole that came right in front of you and you stopped just cause your eyes were open so you just drag yourself to move to the side. You couldn’t even hear any sound when you are walking by what seems to be a massive traffic jam with horns deafening everyone around except you.

At times the silence broke and so did the numbness. Everything comes rushing back , hitting you so hard that you just wanted to crash and scream out so loud that every cry of pain came out so that you can feel empty again.

Ever felt a painful lump in your throat, immediately feeling excruciating pain in your chest? May be it was your heart hurting and informing you it’s going to break your rib-cage just to be free cause it just cannot take anymore and will explode.

Did you ever feel like praying for strength, courage and patience was wrong because that very moment all you want to do was fall apart and shed every single drop of pain that has latched itself to your soul making it wither day by day.

Ever wanted to scream out so loud that the entire world heard and learned that you’re hurting in a way you can’t even understand let alone explain? Ever felt like your emotions, your tears have been drained out of your body? Ever wished you weren’t strong enough so that you can crash and shed every single drop of tear you were holding back? Ever felt numb to an extreme level where you want to cry but you couldn’t?

When you meet a complete stranger who needs someone to talk to, someone who he can confide in. As strange as it may sound *but then lost souls find other lost souls anyways* after a very brief introduction he feels he can trust you because he finds you easy to talk with. He pours his heart out. Being hit by relate-able things and reality one after another, I can’t begin to describe how or what it is. This is how the conversation goes *the “Me” part is what I couldn’t say out loud*:

Stranger: It hurts when you try to explain things to your closed ones but they just don’t understand. Why can’t they accept the choices we make? Don’t we sacrifice a lot for them already? Why can’t they understand if something didn’t work out well in past was because something better was coming. They just cannot understand how insanely painful it is to turn down a really good offer especially when it’s your dream.”

Me: “This isn’t going to end well”

Stranger: “Have you ever sacrificed a dream for your loved ones?”

Me: “Been doing it as long as I can remember!”

Stranger: Do you know how painful it is to sacrifice a dream?”

Me: “I die every single time, rise again to sacrifice yet another dream and repeat”

Stranger: It ain’t easy letting an opportunity go away when it’s a step towards something big”

Me: “Insane amount of pain to bear for eternity”

Stranger: Have you ever turned down a really good offer possibly your dream job?”

Me: “I wake up every day to be forced into doing that. Oh wait! I did it a couple of hours back too”

Stranger: How many dreams does one to give up?  If giving up dreams is all we have to do then why do they tell us to believe in our dream? What’s the point of dreaming anyways?”

Me: “I have stopped looking for an answer to those questions”

*silence*

Stranger: Ever loved someone hopelessly and endlessly, made countless sacrifices for them but they couldn’t let you free?”

Me: “Ever loved someone hopelessly and endlessly, made countless sacrifices for them but they couldn’t let you free just cause the society doesn’t allow a girl to be free.”

Stranger: Ever felt like you mean absolutely nothing to someone who means the world to you that too after they made you feel you mean something to them? Someone for whom you made sacrifices, stood beside them, were there for them in times of desperate need. Understood them like no one else yet you end up being nothing for them.”

Me: “That’s how my everyday is.” 

Stranger: “Thank you so much for hearing me out. Thank you for not saying what everyone else say. Really needed someone just to listen. Thank you for just letting it all out. You are very kind. It was really nice talking to you. I feel so light and so relaxed.”

Me: *smiles* “I can’t even say that back”

(strangely his words were exactly what I have tweeted in past or maybe I heard them and felt like they were like my tweets from past)

He may have left feeling better but he sure left me feeling far worse than before.

This is what I went through in roughly 10 hours before finding my way back home. And yes I did wander aimlessly on the roads of Karachi’s busiest roads, met a stranger who poured his heart to me making me feel worse than ever. This whole episode was an after-affect of letting yet another golden opportunity go away.

I don’t believe in the myth that if 13th of a month fall on a Friday, it’s a black Friday; very unlucky day.  In the morning after I woke up, I asked the day to be good. But I guess I did become one of the many victims of Friday the 13th. Today I broke… Today I gave up.. Today I lost.. Today I am all alone completely shattered from inside out

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1 thought on “Today I broke… Today I gave up.. Today I lost.. Today I am all alone completely shattered from inside out”

  1. This is so hard-hitting, and drenched in pain. And it feels so heartfelt. How many dreams to we have to give up…

    I wish I could write, or say more, but I guess I will embrace you, just the way you have been embracing everything. *hugs*

    Like

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