Finding Solace, Moments of life, My corner

Where did I go wrong I lost a friend, a very dear one


* This is a venting out post so kindly ignore it. Thank you* 

Question: What do you do when you lose everything and your person turns into a complete stranger with a very straight-formal-hitting-you-in-the-face-attitude?

Answer: You drown yourself in work just so you don’t have time to think about it and get hurt more than you already are. You take extreme measures even if they include sacrificing human needs, also, numbing yourself by creating a bubble with a hard shell around you known as ‘denial’. You do that to protect yourself but then someone comes and breaks that shell. Back comes the hurting, the longing, the tears and everything else that binds it together. That period of reminiscing, hurting and longing may last merely for few minutes but one cannot deny how excruciatingly painful it is.

How does someone break that shell? It only takes a moment and three questions, “Are you happy? Enjoying where you are? What’s it like?”. 

That is when you feel like you’re dead from inside or perhaps you have been until now when they woke you up or did they break you?

*In your head you go like, “Hmmm.. let me see, I have barely slept in the past, I don’t know how long. I am dead tired, I can feel every inch of my body ache like hell. I’m sleepy, cranky and worked up. I am exhausted to a point where at night, I try to sleep but the restlessness only makes me roll all over the bed. There are days when I have only survived on breakfast because I don’t even have time for lunch and at the end of the day when I get back home I have absolutely no energy left in me to have dinner.

My days, no matter how monotonous, mundane or bad they were to be, used to start with a “good morning :)” (Yes with a smile). Nights, no matter how restless and sleepless they kept me, used to end with a “good night” wish. At times it ended up with someone putting efforts to put me to sleep. Now I wake up to emails, also I sleep to emails. No more special wishes or good lucks or smiles. I cannot recall the last time I had an actual conversation with someone I would normally talk to. All I do is work, sit all alone in lunch hours, missing so many people and questioning myself why am I doing this? All I talk about is either work or what I, a business/marketing grad is doing in an auditing firm? I get questioned about being creative and having a passion for advertising yet not pursuing it as a career.

Now that you’ve woken me up, I don’t know if due to lack of time, I feel bad for myself or my family or my people. No matter how well I am performing at work & how happy my managers are with my work & me I can no longer deny the fact that I am failing miserably at being a daughter, sister & a friend. I miss real conversations that have absolutely nothing to do with work. Even random-no-head-and-tail-kindof-conversations would be a blessing too at the moment.

I have no time for anything but emails, reports, meetings, clients, & work. The only conversations I’ve have are work related with either my boss, teammates or clients.”*

But instead you lie, “Yes, I’m okay. I am okay there too.”
You lie cause you didn’t even have few seconds to think about anything but work.

Its been a while I have been wondering if vanishing on someone could create a huge gap between two people leading to one person stop caring? Obviously they would stop worrying as that act of vanishing would condition them to do so. Off course vanishing on that one person who truly cares & always make sure to be there for you is wrong but what about all the times the former person has been vocal about fearing the day when eventually the later person would stop caring ’cause there will be new people who would become more beloved just cause they have a physical presence in life. Virtual presence can never beat physical presence even if its round the clock or in hard times or during the suffering of a heartbreak. Not even if the person cares a hell lot and gives priority to the other person. I find it quite strange how we can crib about how those with physical presence are judging us or holding us responsible for something but we can never appreciate those who truly, genuinely with all their heart care about us just for their presence isn’t physical or merely for reasons we may never tell them.

At times I wonder how can someone completely ignore also forget how one cares about them, how they love them, and give them priority over other. Also how they keep on praising them. Even if someone has a weak memory or has absolutely no time for anything but work and crap that life throws at them, there must be a moment, a moment when they could recall all of it. I just cannot comprehend how one can not see someone’s efforts and just give up on them. Even though I am a firm believer of ‘efforts never go to waste’, my personal experience forces me to believe otherwise.  That silver lining that has made me hold on until now,  I’ve seen it fading to its current state being ‘almost gone”

It takes two hands to clap just as it takes two people to make or destroy a relationship, be it any kind. Why is it that two people can’t find way back to each other? Why is it we crib about those who judge us and not appreciate and love back the ones who don’t, those who genuinely love and accept us for who we are?

Yes, nothing remains same forever. You reminisce old days, tears appear in your eyes, a lump form in your throat. You hurt but then you drench yourself in work like nothing happened but why is it that those who genuinely care are the ones who  end up getting judged, left alone and forgotten?

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