Baba Jani, Finding Solace, Grief, Memories, Moments of life

Of the last song, Baba Jani, memories, pain and countless tears – Kadi Aawo Ni


بیتے زمانے
beetay zamaanay
Ages have passed

کسی بہانے
kisi bahaanay
Yet the thought of my sweetheart

اسے یاد کروں
ussay yaad karun
Is still with me

ہیں جو یادیں بھکری مورے انگنا
hain jo yaaden bhikri moray angina
Every corner of my home is filled with your memories

کبھی تو بھی یاد کرے
kabhi tu bhi yaad karay
I hope you also think of me sometimes

وہاں جانے کے بعد ساری عمر
wahaan jaanay kay baad saari umar
Even though you went away

کبھی تو بھی یاد کرے
kabhi tu bhi yaad karay
I hope you remember me as long as you live

Artist: Mai Dhai and Atif Aslam
Title: Kaḍe Aawo – کڈے آوو – Come Sometime
Language: Marwari, Urdu, Punjab

#cokestudio8 ; Episode 6

This was the last song me and my father heard together for the last time. While we were watching coke studio and as soon as this part started, my father started smiling. I thought he like the song but now that I think of it, countless thoughts start fighting in my mind. Was he smiling because this part was about house filled with memories and remembering someone. Or was smiling because it stroked a cord of a memory. Or was he smiling for something he wanted to share? If I keep going on, this blog post would never end. The night we heard this song was 9th Zil-Hajj, 24th September, 2015. It was almost 2 am. How can I be sure? I haven’t forgotten a moment and because as soon as the song ended, the headlines started and my father got up, giving me instructions to lock the door and turn off the lights before going to bed. Those were the last words of my father to me. If I see it from a different perspective, he was indirectly advising me to make sure to keep a check on the locks to take care of the family.

After I lost my father, I didn’t speak to anyone for a whole month. I kept pushing away anyone and everyone who showed concern because I was expecting it from elsewhere, which I never got. Nobody but me is to be blamed for that. Anyways, few people actually came to help me because they’ve been through this phase and they understood what I must be feeling or going through. One of them, I wouldn’t call her my ‘well-wisher’ but a ‘friend’ because she proved to be one when I didn’t even have my own friends by my side. I didn’t ask her to help me with what I am going through, she just stepped up and said everything my ears wanted to hear. She talked about what others didn’t and I needed that. I vividly remember that she said that later on, little things, memories would make me tear up. Which was cent percent true. I have suppressed every emotion, every tear & fear even that now keeping everything bottled up is damaging me, breaking me.

This song, after my father’s death, for the first time I heard on 9th of November. I was at work, right in the middle of the song, I pulled earphones out of my ears and rushed to the ladies room and cried for a minute or two maybe. That day I felt pain. I did not numb myself. I heard the song again yesterday (6th of December) somewhere in between 7:05-7:10pm. My mother, till yesterday was unaware of the fact that of how painful this song is for me. In 74 days, for the 2nd time she had to see me cry. The first time I cried was on 15th, of November, when on the way back from market the rickshaw wala took a different route back home which was the route to the hospital which declared my father dead. My father died somewhere on that road. Although, that night still haunts me but that day broke me bad. It flashed those moments in a way that felt like its piercing my soul deeper and deeper, awakening me to feel what happened and what have I lost.

I wrote this not because I had to let it out. I have given good amount of thoughts over sharing my experience with grief. Everyone deals with it differently and goes through it differently too. But the person in grief needs people to be there for them. So, I wrote this for if you know someone lost a loved one, please give them a hand. Grieving phase is one of the toughest phase of one’s life. If you can help someone in anyone, help them before they turn themselves dead from inside. And when they wake up, they not only hate themselves but turn into a cold person and regret it later on.

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8 thoughts on “Of the last song, Baba Jani, memories, pain and countless tears – Kadi Aawo Ni”

  1. Im very glad that you found that one friend you needed in your difficult time. May Allah bless her as well as you and your family. I have my dad whos health goes bad evry few months and to even think that i might lose him breaks me down to the point where i just shut him out. I hate even looking at him when he’s bedridden. I ignore him so much that he begins to think i dont care, when in reality im just afraid that if i go near him while hes in that state, ill end up shattering right in front of him. And i dont like the idea of breaking down in front of my unwell dad.
    I havent been through your pain, Sehrish, but i can imagine how unbearable it must have been.
    Just know that i love you and that you live in my prayers. If you ever need a friend, i promise i’ll be there for you.
    And i’ll remind you again, that youre his daughter and your prayers for your father are like a barrier between him and any kind of torment. A daughter’s prayers for her father are a source of Mercy from Allah for him.
    I know you pray for him, but pray more. And when you do any kind of charity to the people who need it, ask them to pray for your father.
    Its when you relieve someone of their stress that their prayers for you and your family are answered immediately. Even for your dad.
    Life has always been temporary, Sehrish, and you know that. Make the best of what youve got for yourself and your father too.
    May Allah always keep you and your entire family in the shade of His Mercy and abundant Blessings.
    Aameen.
    X

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Hiba, I am still a stranger for you and I have no right to ask you to do something but being there in the position you are, trust me you want to be there by your father’s side. I am no expert on anything but there have been times when I wasn’t there with my father, just 6 months before he passed away, he went through a very critical surgery that involved very high risks. He wanted me there but my boss of that time did not allow me to take the day off. Till date I regret not being there by his side. I know how difficult it is to silence your fears and face your father.I have seen my father almost die several times but Allah wanted him alive back then so my father survived miraculously. Believe me, when you stop shutting him out and go infront of him, you won’t be scared. Think about his happiness and yours together. Think about having good times. Think about making his pain go away for sometime. You won’t break infront of him. I know its easier said than done but i have done all of this. Trust me on this, it helps. And you need it. If I have survived till now without breaking, its because I held on to the good memories with my father and being there for him or else regrets have been eating me up since forever. If you need help or want to talk about it privately, you can contact me elsewhere too.

      Thank you so much for the love, prayers and encouragement. I need all of this more than any other help. You’re an amazing friend to be blessed with :)
      JazakAllah so much for all these words! <3 May Allah bless you and your family with His mercy and blessings in abundance. Ameen
      X

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Oh, Sehrish, thank you for YOUR kind words and thank you for the support. It means a lot.
        I think I needed it.
        I’ll try my best to look past the pain and be there with him.
        Take care of yourself okay?

        Like

  2. Oh my God Sehrish, I am so sorry you had to go through all this. I never knew. I wish I’d know… I wasn’t here for you when you were in so much pain. I am sorry. I can’t understand your pain, I can’t understand how you feel when you hear this song and when you Miss your Father. I can just offer you my shoulder to cry on and my ear to listen to whatever you have to say.
    I know the kind of relation a father-daughter has. Being away from my father, missing him everyday, I can try to understand how you may be feeling right now but your loss can’t be filled up with words.
    I wish you get Sabar. I wish and I pray that your father finds the best place in the other world. I love you Sehrish. You are so brave.

    Like

    1. Lalarukh, its so nice to hear from you my dear! <3
      I hope and pray you are well :)
      Believe me, I need prayers more than anything else. This phase is hard but I am trying my best to stay strong. JazakAllah for all your prayers and love! *hugs* more prayers and love for you my darling :)
      I love you too Lala <3

      Liked by 1 person

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