Its been 85 days Baba Jani left us. I have bottled up my emotions for the most part. Or maybe I caved in some kind of a shell I always create to keep myself numb. Am I making sense here? I guess I am not. Well, Lately I have been have these moments where I imagine having my father sitting in front of me and him and I having conversations like we used to. Haven’t had a lot of these moments but they are there. At times we don’t speak and I just imagine him smiling like he used to. I don’t know if it’s the right thing to do or not. I am not even sure when exactly and why it started happening. Neither do I know if this is helping me in any way or not but I don’t know maybe it helps me think about what he would have done in a given situation. Maybe it helps me recall how he took or handled things, situations, people or just anything.
They say that everyone deals with loss/grief differently. I have lost loved ones in past and I do agree to it since every time my way of grieving, dealing with the loss and being okay with it/letting them go was different from each other. This time the loss is of a much bigger magnitude which put me up front as in charge. Also, there is so much happening which keeps reminding me of who I have lost. Not that I have forgotten it but its like there are these pieces fallen off me, my life and my family; and reminders sort of help me find those pieces and try to put them back together. Not making sense again. Sigh!
I pass this graveyard where my father is buried almost daily, sometimes twice a day. I usually say prayer for my father but I cannot help myself whispering, “Baba jani, I miss you so so much!”
The other day I complained to father about how his siblings and their families are treating us, making us realize that we are not just “orphans” but very horrible people. I usually tell him that. “mama is fine, Mahwish is fine, I am fine. We just miss you a lot but we hope and pray to meet you in Heaven. We hope that you will welcome us like you always welcomed us be it us returning to you in KSA, or here, back from Uni/work.” That day I was so hurt that I just couldn’t keep myself together. I don’t know if what I did was right or wrong but I just didn’t know what else to do. That same day I said to my father, “Baba, you left us too early!” And after that I went silent for a couple of hours. Later that night, words of a friend hit my ears, “Whatever is in your heart, whatever hurts you, whatever bothers you, say it to Allah. He will not only listen but help too.”
That night, I couldn’t help but be grateful for having this:
Nothing is more comforting than “No one can enforce their claim on Allah. He is watching everything. He knows the truth. He know what hides deep underneath the skin and in hearts. He knows what a person did his/her entire life, how he/she raised his/her children. He also know how those he held dear treated him/her or the family. He knows everything and He is the one who does justice.” ~Sahrish Iftikhar
Grief and dealing with loss of a loved one is a very personal thing. Everyone deals with it differently. I am NOT sharing these to gain sympathies or pity or anything. I am only sharing these because when I needed my people they weren’t there for me and the reasons they told me were, they didn’t know how to talk to me, what exactly to say and that they were waiting for me to ‘ask’ to help me. I am sharing these moments just so if you are someone who lost a loved one, maybe my experience can help in little ways. Of course there is no bigger help than Allah’s and believe me, He is the ONLY ONE who actually helps but at times He send people to help the grieved. So if you know someone who lost a loved, you may use my experience to help someone.