Dear all who keep telling me to be strong with a bunch of other suggestions that make it excruciatingly difficult for me grief and find peace,
I did not plan to write such a letter ever as grieving over the loss of a loved one is something very personal and everyone has their own way to do so. I am forced to write this letter only because I find it very sad that our society makes it almost impossible for an individual to properly grief which believe me is very essential in order to find peace and move on. Let me tell you something about myself, I am the oldest child of my parents which means after the death of my beloved father, I was the one to hold the family together hence I never got to grieve over my father’s death.
I usually filter out my true feelings while posting anything about my father since in the past year I have seen almost every shade of people and every level of insensitivity people can go on to. I do not blame them at all as no one (except for the ones who have been through it) can understand how it is like to lose a loved one. Hence, they do not know what to say and what not to say. So, every time I post about my father, I have gotten some very insensitive responses; suggestions to turn to Allah, or do good deeds in my father’s name, or the worst so far: “think about those who have lost both parents.” Here, I would like you to think about ‘how can you quantify or even compare grief/tragedy as massive as losing a single parent or both?’
Those who say all of this to me have both parents alive so they don’t know how it is like to lose a parent that too a father especially when you are a girl who has to survive in our society. Just to give you an idea, let me put myself in immeasurable pain, and try to break it down for you how it is like to lose a father.
“To lose a father for a daughter is to lose a shadow from over her head, on a scorching sunny day, in a desert that not only provided her shelter but protection too. It’s like standing on burning sand, naked with hungry vultures (read: men) all set to rip chunks off your body. It’s like being a ship in storm without a captain, without safety measures. It’s like having pieces of you, ripped off you, slow and steadily, every single moment that passes. It’s like having to lose every single right to be happy again. It’s like losing the very hand that you always held when you felt scared. It’s like losing fingers that wiped off your tears way before they even appeared in your eyes. It’s like losing those arms that embraced you in moments of fear. It’s like losing that pat on your shoulder saying, “I have full faith in you and I know you can do this!”. It’s like being left at a dark place where there is no light, no way out. It’s like being hopeless and lost amidst chaos where every second makes you yearn for your father. Its killing yourself time and time again just because you are responsible for the lives your father took care of.
Its putting in immeasurable amount of efforts to pull yourself up when you are so tired and completely broken from the inside. It’s forcing yourself to sport a big fake smile on your face just for your family and just so the world wouldn’t give you a “get over it already!”. Yet you do it even if you are dead scared to your very bones to smile, to be happy again. Its pulling up a brave face for your family every single day when deep down you’re scared to death about a million things going wrong/falling apart.” – Sahrish I.
Now I am going to question you something. Will Allah like it more that you turn to Him in dark without letting anyone know or will He like you flaunting how many namaz you offer; what exactly you do to please Him?”
Just because I don’t flaunt my religious beliefs or practice them openly, does not give you a right to raise a finger on me. I am a person who believes that whatever is between Allah and a person should remain between them. Just so you know, it’s only Allah that stays with the grieving person at all times. Everyone leaves but He stays.
So, next time you meet someone who lost a loved, please be very careful with your words.
A grieving daughter struggling with the eternal loss of her beloved father.