September, I survived you yet again but I still can’t stop hating you

DISCLAIMER:

Before you start reading this post let me clear some things. This post may reflect lots of negative thoughts but that doesn’t mean I don’t believe in positivity, or don’t believe in good things or most of all it DOES NOT MEAN I DON’T HAVE FAITH AND I DON’T TRUST ALLAH. I speak out negative thoughts ONLY FOR MYSELF just to let them out of me. I don’t just give up, sit back, cry and whine about things, I find solutions and I fight back. Those who know me for sometime knows I’m an extremely positive person when it comes to other people, I talk about hope, bright side of life and all the good things to lift them up. If I was NOT POSITIVE or believed in it, or I didn’t have faith or believed in Allah, I wouldn’t have survived anything I went through in the past 15 years.

I don’t own the image. Found it on Google. But every single word written on it is mine.

Hating a particular month. Sounds absurd, right? You must be thinking I have clearly lost it, have gone insane as every month can be bad and that doesn’t mean you start hating a particular month, right? Believe me I can tell stories about every single month but no month has consecutively been as painful and annoying every single year nor has it come back to bite me even harder as it bit the previous year so my reasons to hate September are justified!

At the start of September I published a post about my late grandmother(may her soul rest in peace) in which I mentioned about August being a though month for me because it took away my grandmother and how I never got to say goodbye to her and tell her I loved her. Not that anyone reads what I write but incase if anyone does and wants to read that post then the link is below:

I loved her, but she’ll never know it.

Also in that post I mentioned September has its own worries for me so in this post I’ll try to highlight those worries.

On the last night of August as soon as the clock announces it’s 12 in the midnight we witness a madness. We see everyone singing, tweeting on twitter or updating something as their Facebook statuses or use it in some other way on social networks. Wondering what am I referring to? It’s this:

Wake me up when September ends. ~Green Day

Now why people do it? Not that anyone cares to know but let me put a light on it *based on my personal experiences*. Most people do it:

1. just for the sake of it
2. some do it for fun
3. but some have real reasons to say it. They have reasons to dislike/hate/loathe/despise *that’s a whole lot of words. I know I’m crazy* September

I belong to the clan of those people who fall in the third category mentioned above as I have way too many reasons to dislike/hate/loathe/despise September. Even though its my birth month, I NEVER defend it as it has never been good for me or my family or few  people who are really close to me.

So now lets talk about how this one month is bad for me and my family. But before jumping right into it let me share some more lyrics of the same song, they go like this:

Here comes the rain again
Falling from the stars
Drenched in my pain again
Becoming who we are

As my memory rests
But never forgets what I lost
Wake me up when September ends ~Green Day

Those lyrics seems legit, right? Well to me they do. Believe it or not but whenever I am REALLY sad, I cannot take the pain anymore and I need to let it out by crying it ALWAYS rains. Happened numerous times also happened last September when I was dealing with something that resulted really bad but it taught me a lesson I would remember all my life. Also I won’t repeat those mistakes ever again because from September to November and then for the very same thing from January to April I was dealing with something I never thought or wanted to get into. But it happened anyways. We just can’t control somethings, right? It brought me on my knees and broke me really badly. However I got up and fought back. I survived. Plus I suffered from a very bad typhoid which lasted a whole month, took away my health, my immunity and a lot of my hair. Ruined my plans to make my childhood best friend’s wedding epic, also not to forget it ruined my birthday too. Not that I look forward to celebrating my birthday anymore but it was bad.

Now let’s go another year back, my one and only younger sister(not to forget the fact that I prayed to be blessed with a sister for 4 years *well lets minus a year as I was a baby myself so couldn’t pray, right* before I was actually blessed with one) had a very bad accident and for the first time ever in my entire life I saw her in a very bad shape. The part that shakes me is I was not there to protect my sister when I already felt something bad was going to happen to her. When my sister was born I was just 4 years old and God what a pain I use to be for those who ever tried to come close to my sister. I didn’t even let anyone else (other than my parents) pick her up or even touch her. I still remember how overly protective I use to be for my sister. And I was not there for her when she needed me the most that too when I knew something was going to happen. Believe me if something bad is going to happen to either of my parents or my sister or someone close to me in coming day I can sense it. I’m not a psychic but I can feel it.

3 years back, same month my mother got really sick and it’s not easy to see a sick parent especially your mother. It’s the worst thing ever to happen because it just turns the whole house upside down. Again I know sickness and health is a part of life. One cannot run away from it. Sickness in a way is good, lessens one’s sins then it heals too and all that jazz so again not a good enough reason to hate September, right. Imagine your parents getting sick simultaneously on and off through out the year but one specific month throws a really shocking news at you which is REALLY BAD, see it from my eyes then you may find my reasons to hate this month justified.

DISCLAIMER!!

What I am about to share DOES NOT in any way means I DON’T love Pakistan or I DON’T WANT to LIVE IN PAKISTAN!

4 years back in June I moved to Pakistan *before my parents did* I was supposed to go back and stay with my parents until they moved but fate didn’t let me. Again have a post on that too. If interested to read then the link is below:

4 years gone, heart never stopped missing Saudi Arabia

September was the month my parents finally moved to Pakistan which closed doors for me to go back to the country I love and spent my entire life in. All my hopes of going back one last time and saying a proper good-bye to that place died. Yeah yeah I know closed doors means new doors are opened, I can not see them because I have a blindfold of negativity on my eyes but then again see this whole thing from my eyes, my perspective, you’ll know my reasons are justified and what exactly I mean. September for the past 3 years has been pretty hard on me in terms of being judged in a negative way by people who knew me pretty well. Just 2 or 3 days before my birthday there always use to be a huge fight in uni resulting in me ending up alone which by the way shouldn’t affect me as I’ve been alone without friends for almost my whole life but it hurt me because the people who called themselves my friends, people I cared about I stood beside them all along( don’t think I did that for any credit or anything) didn’t even listen to my side of the story, trusted the other side blindly, judged me, hated me, left me alone. I know this doesn’t mean I should hate this month but this month has constantly been the most troublesome month for me, my family and some really close friends. I can take anything on me but when it comes to my family and people I hold dear who are really close to my heart, people I care about I CAN LITERALLY THROW TANTRUMS OVER IT. I JUST CAN NOT TAKE IT. IT KILLS ME AND I CAN’T EVEN EXPRESS HOW OR WHY.

Enough of past history lets talk about this year, shall we? This year September kicked off with my mother getting her blood pressure very high and she was hospitalized, spent the entire night there plus the entire next day too. It was painful for me. One of the worst thing to witness is seeing your Mother cry and scream with pain and it feels awful when u can’t do anything to take away all the pain. Then my Father starting having symptoms of what he had 5 years(almost) ago which resulted in 3 back to back operations in just 2 months and it made my strong father weak. It even made my father go silent. He is not a talkative person but after those operations he became completely silent. We actually have to force him to talk. Also he changed on so many levels. Which hurts and I can’t explain why? So as I was saying my father started having those symptoms so we started visiting doctors who ran tests on him and gave him a date for operation which was exactly the day of my birthday. This year it was kind of a big birthday. I’d mention what happen that day later in this post.

So as I mentioned above this year my birthday was kind of a big one as I turned 25 this September. I know this may sound odd/weird but I have been fearing this day since I turned 20. I know age is just a number but when you come from a big khandaan(family) that sets priorities on the basis of age i.e what you should do or should have done at a certain age, you can not run away from the fact that you turned that particular age and you haven’t achieved what your elders believe you should have achieved. They make your life a living hell on earth where you burn in the fire of their harsh word every single day. Those words break you apart when you are already feeling terrible because you haven’t achieved the goals you set (be it on your own or what they set for you). And then they start comparing you with their own sons and daughters who probably aren’t even that well-educated, well-behaved/civilized as you are. Have probably screwed up their lives way too many times, done things you can’t even think of doing but to them it’s fair to compare you with them as in their eyes you are not important but they(their sons and daughters) are the good and the successful ones. Your sacrifices, struggles, working hard, giving up dreams, not thinking about yourself but your family, any of that sh*t don’t matter to them. They can’t even see it and even if they can, they go blind on it as pointing fingers on someone else’s  son or daughter is really easy and fun to do.

Being elders of the khandaan they may realize and know a lot of things but what they don’t realize and know is that by doing what they are doing they are not only taking away the last remains of those specs of hope from that person who is probably working his/her a** off to achieve something, but also throwing him/her in the darkest pit of abyss. *forgive me if I used it in a wrong sense*. That’s what push you back to point zero or square one *whatever you want to call it* and start everything all over again.  Words and being compared to someone you as a person are way better than on so many levels can hurt really bad and scar you for life. I know one shouldn’t care about what others say or think about it but no matter how different I am from other girls or the fact that I was forced to become mature and act as an adult at the age of 10 it doesn’t change the fact that at the end of the I am a girl who has a heart of a girl, who has feelings of a girl and no matter how much control I have on them, they just kick in at the wrong time! Also being a girl means I have some weak spots too. And somethings/words actually hit right at the weakest spot(s).

The good thing is, luckily  I am the daughter of the parents to whom age doesn’t matter the thing that matters is you are striving , working hard to achieve something. And the thing that matters the most is that you are a way better person than the other lot of the khandaan. But honestly deep down inside me I have this guilt that I have lived for 2 and a half decades in this world and I still haven’t achieved anything that I can be proud of. I still haven’t made my existence useful. I am halfway through the first phase of adulthood and clearly I’ve failed and I am failing. This is not even the scary part. The scariest part is that there are more phases to come. What if I’ll never be ready for them? It scares the life out of me. I haven’t fulfilled any big dream of my parents except for getting a good education *still have to get a master’s degree* and trying to be a sensible human being or being as human as I can be.  It’s not like I am not trying to achieve something or not trying to fulfill my parents’ dreams it’s just nothing is working at the moment. Maybe it’s not the right time. Or maybe I’m not doing it right. It can be anything but I am trying so that matters, right?

Life knocked me down quiet few times. I did fall on my knees, I did get weak, but I didn’t give up. I got back up (off course after whining and crying *hey don’t judge me, I’m a girl, can’t help it sometimes* ) and I fought back because that’s all I could do.

‘when life knocks you down, you have 2 options.

One: To give up, sit back, cry and whine about it for the rest of your life. Two: Get back up and fight back. Even if you lose, your heart will be at peace alteast you tried.’ Off course you’ll have people to help you get up but no matter how much they want to, they cannot fight your battles for you. You have to fight your battles on your own. ~Sahrish I.

I learned everything on my own that too the hard way. And I’m glad about learning some lessons the hard way as it opened my eyes not to be closed again. It taught me not to be blinded by the charming, attractive things that will only hurt me.

The entire August I was really lost, cranky and annoying and few of my close friends noticed it and they asked me what was bothering me. I told them I don’t want September to come. I just want August to end and October to start from the very next day. They asked me why? I told them that don’t want a birthday this year. They asked again why? I said I am turning 25 this month and I have achieved absolutely nothing in my life. I see people younger to me being all successful and they have achieved atleast something in life and I haven’t achieved anything I can be proud of(which is true). They all got mad at me because they cared about me and they thought I was being silly and stupid. They all tried to clear my head

Like I mentioned above several times that I turned 25 on 17th of September. I share my Birthday with my nephew who turned 6 this year *Masha Allah*.  He was excited for his birthday since September started. He was counting down days and he was a walking talking reminder for me that the day I have been fearing is so close. I was obviously happy for him because I love him so much. 6 years back when I got the news of his birth, I screamed with happiness in a hotel full of people. Yes that’s how happy I was. And don’t judge me I was still a teenager who became a Aani/Khala (aunt) of a new-born baby on her birthday so off course she had to be excited. Luckily it was a Pakistani hotel and every single person over there was someone who came to Madinah for Ziyarat (visit) and to pay their Salams to our beloved Prophet Muhammad (Peace be Upon Him). They all were too tired to even notice a weirdo girl screaming at the top of her voice.

Anyhow, so there were 2 birthdays on the same day except only one of them got to celebrate it and only for one of them it was a good happy day. And that person was my nephew. I’m happy he got to celebrate his birthday as I didn’t even want to celebrate my birthday. I don’t feel like doing it anymore and it has nothing to do with me getting old or anything. However I loved all the wishes, love and prayers I got as they made me feel special( I am grateful for people remembering my birthday and wishing me) and it made me take of my mind from what was going on that day though for only few moments but it did and that matters a lot to me. My father had to go in for a surgery exactly on my birthday. So I spent my entire birthday in a place I absolutely hate being at. It has painful memories attached to it. It refreshes those memories and I have to relive those painful moments all over again.  I spent the entire day waiting for him to be operated but that didn’t happen due to his unstable blood pressure. I got some really disturbing text messages from old friends saying ‘I have forgotten them and I have changed’. I thought maybe they are pulling my leg or something but when they confirmed they weren’t, I can’t even explain how that felt like. I was standing outside an operation theater already on the verge of breaking down any moment and my old friends were accusing me of forgetting them just because I changed. It was painful for me because if I meet someone and meet them again years after, I’ll remember them. I never forget anyone, ever! Also I never forget our conversations either.

A few people asked me if I felt different turning 25. My reply was ‘no I didn’t. If things were different I may have felt something but I didn’t have time to think about anything related to me’. Which by the way is the truth. If my father was not in this condition I may have been freaking out like I was, feeling really bad about not being good at anything at all. Calling myself dumb and useless. Hating myself for not achieving anything in life as yet.

My father didn’t get operated the whole month. We spent the entire month in the hospital where doctors ran numerous tests on him and every test told a different story also how badly my father destroyed his health. Seeing my father’s blood being drawn out  right in front of me again and again wasn’t a good sight at all. He will be operated on 25th of October. And 16th of October will mark 5 years of his first operation for the very same thing.

They say time and life teaches and shows you a lot of different things like the harsh realities, and the different shades/colors of people i.e  bitterness of people, two-faced people, people who will leave you no matter what, people who will judge you even if they knew you inside out, people who stab you in your back, people who hurt you for absolutely no reason but yet you can’t hate them for so many reasons. What time and life never teach you is how to handle it all, how not to get hurt, how not to expect, how to identify those who might make you cry.  That you have to learn on your own. But I guess it ain’t that bad. It’s for our own good. It makes us strong. It’s just we only tend to see the negative/darker side of everything.

They say ‘everything has both positive and negative/darker side to it.’ It’s not wrong. If September gave me painful memories it gave me some good ones too. Taught me some good lessons too. It made me realize I have some really good and amazing friends. I am really happy about that as they are the best friends I have ever had. I’m grateful to Allah for blessing me with them. Also I’m grateful to all of them for always staying with me. But the thing that bothers me is the fear of them getting hurt because of me or becoming a victim of September or life just because they are linked to me. I really hope and pray that doesn’t happen. Some of them did become a victim this year but I hope and pray September don’t hurt them ever again. On the last day of this dreadful month I got my hand burned. I went through a lot of emotional trauma this month but all because of some really amazing people who always stayed by my side, made sure I remain calm and sane. They always tolerated the cranky, whiny, annoying me and helped me survive the worst month of the entire year. I can’t thank them enough so I’ll always pray that they don’t become a victim of something bad just because they stood by me and helped me. They made sure I was okay, I was strong enough to take it all and that I survive.

September, like always you were a pain. You tried your best to break me, I did break, I did fall yet again I got up and fought back and yet again I survived! You did hit a few people really close to my heart and I can’t forgive you for that, ever! I still hate you but I will surely be ready for you next year as I have to take revenge for hurting my loved ones once again.~Sahrish I.

PS: This was supposed to be published on 1st October but something happened plus I got caught in some stuff. Also I kept on thinking if I should publish this post here or on the other blog. But then I gave in and published it here anyways. No one reads either of my blogs anyways plus no one likes reading long posts anyways. If you read this then A HUGE THANK YOU TO YOU!!!